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50233_140317046003787_266343_n.jpgToday the illustrious Laura Berman who is the famed right-hand woman to Oprah's libidinous show topics and sex therapist from the famed Berman institute asked me the strangest question. She asked, "Would you be more willing to forgive your partner if they cheated with someone of the same sex? Of course this question was posted on her Facebook wall for everyone to add comments should they wish but I knew she wrote the question specifically for me. How do I know this to be the absolute truth? The answer is simple, I'm narcissistic. 


Excited to be finally called upon by such a celebrity as Laura for my opinion was an honer to say the least. Luckily I'd spotted the question before any other of her lessor FB friends could add their comment and muddle up the blank slate for which Laura had intended me to fill with nothing less than my utter genius. So I clicked comment and tapped out his brief explanation for everyone to who lusted for my wisdom which flows freely my very tits like sweet ambrosia.

Kidder Kaper 
Well... Let's see. I suppose that would depend on the kind of cheating we're talking 
about. If she's lying to me and denying my emotional needs and being a selfish jerk, then yes, I'd have a hard time forgiving her while she was behaving that way. But she already has permission to bone any women she wishes, so that said, it would be really hard for her to cheat on me. 

I think for most who have faced this particular scenario it isn't about the sex but the betrayal and feeling of anxiety that comes from a fear of abandonment. If you take that out of the equation, and you are certain that you won't lose anything, you're more likely to experience compersion than you are jealousy.

For the record, she's never once taken me up on my offer to sleep with other women, well, not without me right there. The funny thing about having permission to do something is that once you have permission from someone you love, you're more likely to only do that thing with them and share it WITH them. All of my friends who's wives don't allow them to go to strip clubs LOVE going to strip clubs. My wife could care less and I have absolutely no desire to go somewhere and pay someone I don't care about to fain interest in me. 

The idea that we can control our partner's sexual desires is absolutely absurd. Nobody has anymore control over what they desire than they could choose what their favorite color or flavor. We do have the ability to control our actions and though we may be powerless over our cravings for chocolate, we can certainly choose to abstain from eating it. But do not fool yourself into believing that you can choose abstinence for anyone other than yourself. You certainly cannot choose it for your partner. If they have a strong enough desire and curiosity to try something paired with the gumption, they will try it. 

Those with very strong wills can most certainly choose to ignore their desires, but does that not beg the question, "is what they wish to try so depraved that you wish them to be denied of it?" Perhaps it is. Or perhaps what they wish to do is very much a part of their nature, and perhaps this nature doesn't need to threaten your relationship and all that you have built together. If possible, would it not be better to find a way that both your misgivings and their desires can be nurtured?

I simply state this as an idea, one who's time has certainly arrived. When 72-75 percent of those claiming to be in monogamous pairings are merely pretending to be that which society has determined is the only valid relationship, we must become aware that the vast majority of us are living a lie. And for what? The other 25%? Since when did we give a frak about what the minority thinks when it comes to how we spend our free time?

I think it is better to face reality than to live a lie. Reality is something that I can predict, I can influence, and in reality I can find methods that improve my relationship. Lies, on the other hand, are about as useful as a car speeding down the highway with no steering wheel. 

I welcome your stones, but I prefer your kind challenges delivered thoughtfully much, much more.
21 minutes ago ยท 

A quick proof-read and a few softening of verbiage, and I hit click. In the time it took me to post this, eight other troglodytes had already posted their drivel ahead of me. Seven of them showed nothing more than the black-and-white decision making skills of neglected toddlers. One even began their post with the phrase, "cheating is cheating..." Another said her fiance "cheated" which turned out to be little more than online flirting. Luckily for her they worked it out only after she took away his internet access. Unluckily for him, he's married to a woman who's keeping his penis in a pickle jar. Other's weren't as verbose, stating simply, "No." and "Never." One simply stated, "Why would I stay married to a gay man?" 

I've come to a conclusion, and I'll admit it is going to sound simple and crass but I find myself unable to phrase this with anymore complexity or pleasantry. So without further ado, I simply state, "Laura Berman's audience is made up of ignorant sex-negative ninnies!" To explain to them that having a tryst or flirting with a someone of the same sex doesn't make anyone gay would require me to regress so far backward to such a rudimentary understanding of human sexual behavior that it simply isn't worth my time and agony. These are the people that are comfortable with the fact that the less they know, the more they have to rely on belief. Quoting Kinsey's research is of no use when attempting to educate them. More than likely, they have no idea who he even is, and if they do, they probably think he's Liam Neeson. 

I wish I was a better man and a better educator. I wish I could find the will, energy, and patience to help these people be less stupid, but I do not and I cannot. Before my father died he gave me some great advice. He said, "Don't argue with idiots." Wisdom such as this isn't inherited, it is gifted. Thanks old man.

Oh the article that inspired her question is found here. It basically says that men are twice as likely to stay with women who cheated with other women than if they had cheated with other men. Women, on the other hand, are exactly the opposite. They are twice as likely to leave the relationship if her partner cheats with another man than if he'd cheated with another woman. So women are more homophobic than men? Shame on you, fair gender! Shame on you!


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Very articulate! It is frustrating to see that Oprah has such a wide audience yet makes no concerted effort to promote actual sex education with this arm of her empire, but I suppose at the end of the day is all about the $$$. That Dr. Berman's advice is attached to Oprah's name makes it seem as wholesome as broiling a turkey, which only reinforces (sadly) the existing sexual norms and stereotypes--which as you so eloquently pointed out, are mostly wrong.

The rest of the comments, for the most part, are mostly mindless drivel: Dr. Berman did ask this question specifically for you, though she asked it while ignoring the fact that you were in the room and actually had something worthwhile to say. :(

For my part, my girl and I are open and honest with each other, and I don't consider anything she does "cheating" (I hate the term and how it implies we're playing some sort of game...). She has needs, and I have needs; we talk about our needs with each other, then get needy with whomever (or however many) we need to, and it's all cool--as it should be. Open communication about these things makes relationships easier, not harder... and far more enjoyable!

I've been following your podcast for a bit (though not too seriously... I need to change that), and I think SIF is a wonderful educational outlet. But you're right in that it (or any other similarly enlightened site) seems to routinely escape the eyes and hears of the herd (or, as you put it, the "ignorant sex-negative ninnies"). Perhaps a joint, simultaneous, worldwide guerilla campaign by all the world's sex educators like yourselves to invade mainstream media would get those "ninnies" to stop pounding their heads against brick walls and pay attention? If only... :D

Hey Kidder, I certainly appreciate this topic and your point of view, but of course you are straight and the question presupposes the audience is straight. From my point of view (a bi male with a bi male partner), it doesn't matter the gender of the person my partner cheats with. I believe it's more about what that means to my relationship with my partner. Does it mean he is done with me? Does it mean he needs something that I am not willing or able to provide? I have long held the belief that cheating doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship. Thankfully, I haven't ever been faced with making that choice. But since listening to your show and coming to terms with my own sexuality I realize that sex isn't as big of a deal as it is made out to be. Yes, it is something special. It is something that can and should only be shared with those you deem worthy by whatever standards you choose. But let's face it, we are descendants of apes who are descendants of other creatures. We are part of the animal kingdom and because of that we did not evolve to be with one partner for our entire lives. Some people are OK with having only one partner ever. Many are OK with having one partner at a time. But so many of us, regardless of how hard we might try to be, are not. Most of us need multiple partners! It's when we ignore our needs that cheating takes place. I love that you show has talked about how to satisfy the need to have multiple partners while still only being with the one. Sure it's not "the same", but it is something to try if you need to. I know this is a disjointed rant so I will end it here. Thanks for all you guys do!

I'd be interested to know the usual consequences of a partner cheating with someone of the same sex versus the opposite sex. I'm not talking about the consequences when the cheating is discovered, but what the cheating indicates about the relationship. Do more women end up with more closeted partners? How often does a man cheating with another man result in him leaving his partner versus a woman cheating with another woman result in her leaving her partner? I'm just interested to know if the reactions are actually reasonable based on what they'e most likely to indicate about the relationship.
I think that any barebones scenario like this could best be responded to as "It depends." Being forced to answer it, most people will fill it in with whatever they think the most likely scenario is. So the answers may not reflect homophobia so much as how damaging people estimate that the cheating scenario is to the relationship.

My response to this is yes I would forgive because I have and not just once. My husband and I are both bi. We were together on and off in high school then settled down 11 years ago. We both knew about our sexual orientations before we got serious and accepted what we wanted, which was each other. We did however agree to a monogamous relationship because of insecurities. I am best friends with my husband as well as being his wife and partner. He always struggled with his bisexuality and I have tried through the years to get him to accept himself more and talk to me more about his sexual urges as I do to him. He didn't. He let it bottle up and acted on his instincts to be with a guy, orally. The first instance he hid it and I found out. I was hurt, I won't lie. I irrationally thought if I can do it and be with just him then why can't he do the same. I also decided at the same time that I understood because he was wanting something I couldn't give him. Then it happened again a couple months ago actually. I was crushed but this time he went into a full panic attack less than 24 hours after it happened and told me everything. I would have never known but he told me. I have forgave him completely for the dishonesty and I do not fully trust him, but I don't believe he loves me any less than he always has! I would never walk away from him for this even though it hurt a lot. He made the mistake and I'm not perfect in our relationship either, I have never cheated but im not innocent. He actually broke down completely after all the years has finally opened up to talking with me about things. He has always said he feels disgusted by who he is, I told him there is nothing disgusting about him! I told him there is nothing wrong with what he feels or likes and he needs to accept himself for who is because he wouldn't whole until he did. He thought that even though I knew he was bi that I would be grossed out by his thoughts. After I told him I watch gay porn and think it's hot :-) he was more comfortable with talking to me. He has told me what he likes with men and what he does not. I found he actually only enjoys to give men oral pleasure and receive oral from them, so we still are going to try and be monogamous for now and I'm going to find a realistic strap on that he likes and we are gonna have fun playing with that. In no way do I want to say what he did was right but I can forgive eventually because our love and relationship is much more valuable than breaking things for a mistake he made. If he cheated on me with a female that might have been worse because I feel like I never deny him anything he likes or wants so why should he get it elsewhere? If he did then I would question some things, but even then I think I could get past it. Cheating with the same sex is still cheating but every relationship and person is different. Some people can work things out and find ways to fix their issues and maybe for some it is a wake up call to re evaluate their relationship. Either way I know in my case my husband strayed because of basic needs not lack of love for me. I know our relationship has never been better than it is now because our communication is great and we are once again understanding each others needs, wants, and expectations. Our relationship wasn't bad ever just lack of communication and it's sad it took something like this to make us communicate more but it has.

I'm a bisexual, married man and thank you for expressing the complexities of my situation so eloquently. You're absolutely right when you say we can't control our desires and that honesty is better than living a lie. Getting to the place where the two shall merge into a seamless whole is the definitely a delicate challenge for those in my situation. Your thoughts certainly help bring a spark of light into the darkness.

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Kidder Kaper

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