Today the illustrious Laura Berman who is the famed right-hand woman to Oprah's libidinous show topics and sex therapist from the famed Berman institute asked me the strangest question. She asked, "Would you be more willing to forgive your partner if they cheated with someone of the same sex? Of course this question was posted on her Facebook wall for everyone to add comments should they wish but I knew she wrote the question specifically for me. How do I know this to be the absolute truth? The answer is simple, I'm narcissistic.
I think for most who have faced this particular scenario it isn't about the sex but the betrayal and feeling of anxiety that comes from a fear of abandonment. If you take that out of the equation, and you are certain that you won't lose anything, you're more likely to experience compersion than you are jealousy.
For the record, she's never once taken me up on my offer to sleep with other women, well, not without me right there. The funny thing about having permission to do something is that once you have permission from someone you love, you're more likely to only do that thing with them and share it WITH them. All of my friends who's wives don't allow them to go to strip clubs LOVE going to strip clubs. My wife could care less and I have absolutely no desire to go somewhere and pay someone I don't care about to fain interest in me.
The idea that we can control our partner's sexual desires is absolutely absurd. Nobody has anymore control over what they desire than they could choose what their favorite color or flavor. We do have the ability to control our actions and though we may be powerless over our cravings for chocolate, we can certainly choose to abstain from eating it. But do not fool yourself into believing that you can choose abstinence for anyone other than yourself. You certainly cannot choose it for your partner. If they have a strong enough desire and curiosity to try something paired with the gumption, they will try it.
Those with very strong wills can most certainly choose to ignore their desires, but does that not beg the question, "is what they wish to try so depraved that you wish them to be denied of it?" Perhaps it is. Or perhaps what they wish to do is very much a part of their nature, and perhaps this nature doesn't need to threaten your relationship and all that you have built together. If possible, would it not be better to find a way that both your misgivings and their desires can be nurtured?
I simply state this as an idea, one who's time has certainly arrived. When 72-75 percent of those claiming to be in monogamous pairings are merely pretending to be that which society has determined is the only valid relationship, we must become aware that the vast majority of us are living a lie. And for what? The other 25%? Since when did we give a frak about what the minority thinks when it comes to how we spend our free time?
I think it is better to face reality than to live a lie. Reality is something that I can predict, I can influence, and in reality I can find methods that improve my relationship. Lies, on the other hand, are about as useful as a car speeding down the highway with no steering wheel.
I welcome your stones, but I prefer your kind challenges delivered thoughtfully much, much more.
Write the Author: Kidder Kaper