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Sex Goddess and MomWe've all been there. In one way or another, we've been there. Whether it's the terror of being asked by a perplexed and terrified four year-old asking "Mommy, is Daddy hurting you?" as said cherub magically appears mid-screaming orgasm at the foot of your bed like a tiny poltergeist of sexual destruction, unexpected and decidedly unwelcome as you regret terribly the lack of a lock on your bedroom door. Or maybe it's the permanently embedded scar on the landscape of your memory which recollects with a nauseatingly vivid clarity the time that you did that to YOUR parents. Ewww. (A moment please...must divert mind. Quick! Nothing remotely sexual! ......Thank God, there's a feature on Speidi's back scoop on TMZ.)

My bedroom has no door. It's more of a loft master suite. (That does sound grand, doesn't it? Much better than "crudely dry-walled attic space". Ahh, Hyperbole! How the storyteller in me dost love Thou.)

I live in constant fear. Add to the rational fear of discovery the fact that my kids are far, far past the cute, big-eyed toddler with coordination akin to a small elephant that you can hear and smell coming a mile away. In fact, they are far past cute in general. As in- Remember, Oh, omniscient and completely self-absorbed pre-teenager with a monosyllabic vocabulary, when you were Cute? Or, Oh! Look at this picture of when you were Cute, my pouty and certifiably bi-polar 8 year-old who just lost bathroom privileges at school. (What?????)

I understand that there really is no excuse (bad architecture?) for my dilemma. We could do a remodel. We could hang a large tie-dyed sheet with a screen print of Che Guevara that would go lovely with a multicolor wax-covered Chianti bottle and a climbing plant. Ah, ambiance! But I'm not going to do that for other than the obvious reasons (I'm not 19, I fancy that I have a modicum of taste, I have an iota more than $37 dollars in the bank, and I can't keep plants alive being the top 4).

Bedroom door or not, we as a society have become so simultaneously repulsed and fascinated with anything sexual that we have forgotten that sex and family have coexisted for centuries- nay, since the dawn of time. Or at least since Adam and Eve begot Cain. Remember when people didn't live in McMansions? And when every person in your city didn't own their own little Google Earth postage stamp of ground? I've heard it was so once upon a time. Remember when cave-people and the Anasazi and medieval families traveling to Disneyland didn't get two separate hotel rooms when they went on vacation? Really, they didn't! When they went to visit Mickey they slept in tents, and, well, caves, and big one room lodges with tons and tons of other people and families. And on occasion when the mood struck Moms and Dads pulled blankets over their heads and had sex. And older children who understood the noises and other people in the cave/tent/lodge were curious. And maybe giggled a little. And somewhere in a corner maybe someone masturbated. And those ancient people grew up with an understanding that sex is normal part of life, something that people do because it's natural, because they want to procreate, because it feels good, because they just want to. Think of the beautiful Anasazi women walking around, breasts bared in all their glory. There wasn't a push-up bra in sight and and the children didn't laugh and point and stare. They understood, in a non-understanding kind of way. Sex was not something to gawk at, to be alarmed or shocked by, or to be afraid of. Sex was not dirty, and it was not shameful. Nor was it the elusive butterfly of emotional security and deepest soul fulfillment that we seem to want to seek in every encounter.

We've child-proofed sex. In much the same way as we have child-proofed and overprotected the rest of their lives. We shelter them from rejection, and then wonder why they're a wreck when it finds them. We shield them from "bad" language, and they are titillated with the novelty and rebellion of using it. We protect them from criticism, even constructive, and they don't self-reflect or strive to improve. We cover their eyes as toddlers when people kiss or make-out on television, and as adolescents we squirm uncomfortably and deflect questions or use glossy language when the subject of sex or a suggestive image comes up. We then collectively freak out about tech-related social phenomenon like "sexting" and sexually revealing Facebook pictures and posts. (Pause rant for Disclaimer: Obviously, I am assuming that those reading this have the judgment and maturity to distinguish between a bumped head, bruised ego, and age-appropriate actions or something physically, emotionally, or psychologically harmful to our children. Also, that the reader has a sense of humor and good enough grasp on reality to realize that our children are the most precious things in the world to us, and we can still sometimes call them little Assholes. For instance.)

We've child-proofed sex, such that we have locked children almost completely out of any healthy sense of sexual awareness and education, with door locks and television locks and internet locks and browser locks and all kinds of locks to keep kid's eyes and senses away from potentially damaging material or the very real threat of sexual predators or the direct cyber-link to Hell itself.

I am an advocate of locks. All parents should be aware of and in control of the access our children have to media and information and potential harm and especially Satan. However, most of us are not replacing the "potentially damaging" aspects of these videos, verbiage, etc, with a healthy alternative. We are not providing an alternative in the form of accurate information and the instillation of a sexually positive attitude. We don't promote safety and responsibility and freedom of appropriate expression, we promote secrecy (by freaking out when they talk about it and ignoring it when they don't) and intolerance (by not acknowledging at all or by denouncing and judging lifestyles that are different than our own) and most importantly ignorance by simply not communicating at all about sex and leaving it up to the schools and their friend's older siblings and the gerbils and the Penthouse Forum they found in an alley on the way home. It is our responsibility as parents to not only love, feed, shelter, nourish, cuddle, read-to, discipline, laugh with, and teach our children how be independent in this world, but ALSO to teach them about relationships and love and yes, Sex. I want my kids to grow up to have wonderful, mature, successful loving relationships. Not one of these relationships will be if sex is a problem in any way.

Now, a word. I am not at all advocating that we dress up in our Dirty Pirate Whore costumes and parade around our homes while the kids are doing chores or playing Lego's. As I previously stated- Ewww. It'll happen anyway. At some point they'll see the costume, ask the question, notice the corset and fishnets carelessly forgotten on the floor after Captain Johnny Depp I mean Jack popped the hooks and forced the wench to undress at sword point before he tied her up and slapped her buttocks repeatedly with the flat end of the weapon until she blew him like the Dirty Pirate Whore she was. Happens. No need to intentionally inflict further damage.

What I am advocating is that all you closet Dirty Pirate Whores out there, or those of you who have ascribed to the notion that Mommies should only be virtuous and wholesome and virginal (turns out there's only one of those) or that there is no time, or that kids are exhausting and take all your energy and that there is none left over for your partner or yourself... Stop worrying about it and Do It. Get out the corset and sword, lock the door (or don't worry about it), take a strip aerobics class and light some damn candles, if you're into that. Put on the porn, have some alone time with your shower head to get you in the mood if that's your issue, buy some great massage oils and ask your partner to massage away the homework and the soccer practice and the leftovers and the tooth brushing. Then reciprocate.

If you have inhibitions about sexuality because you are a mother, or if you are a little stuck on the Madonna side of the Madonna/Whore complex fence, please consider the radical notion that (and I say this emphatically) "YES! You CAN be a Sex Goddess AND a Mom!!!" I will further opine that it is GOOD for your children's conception of the nature of healthy sexuality and education to know that their parents have a strong, affectionate bond and attraction and are playful and fun and INTO each other. If you find yourself in the predicament where you are not currently into your spouse or partner for reasons no more serious than the very common rut, I submit that deciding to put the energy into a physical connection will definitely enhance your emotional one as well. Do what you need to do. Put the kids to bed early. Make a lunch date where you don't go to lunch. Walk into your husband/spouse/wife/partner's office and give them spontaneous oral. Swallow, for Hell's sake. Shop for something you think might be sexy, or try something you might have seen or heard of that made you a little curious. If it doesn't turn out to be sexy, chances are if you keep your sense of humor about it will turn out to be funny and you can laugh and giggle about it later. It will be a great anecdote at your next cocktail party. People love to hear about escapades gone awry, especially when told with a sense of humor. (The time you were dry around the edges and used Icy Hot for lube. Or the time your husband drunkenly pulled your panties out of his pocket and handed them to his mother when she asked for his car keys at a family wedding.) Sex is fucking funny. Do it. Enjoy it when it works, laugh and be light when it doesn't. And then try something else until you find what sends you screaming into the blissful beyond. Most importantly of all, in my opinion, adjust your image of yourself so that the next time a retreat leader or Facebook status directive asks you to make that introductory list of all the Who's that you are, it reads something like this.

Mom
Partner
Accountant
Lover
Friend
Dirty Pirate Whore
Chef
Athlete
Dancer
PTA President
Champion Multitasker
Sex Goddess
Not necessarily in that order.

There IS great, great sex after kids. During kids. In spite of kids. For the sake of your kids. Find it. Do It.


Write the Author: Mari Rose

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เต็นท์ from เต็นท์ on January 18, 2014 4:07 PM

Can You Be a Sex Goddess and a Mom? - Sex is Fun Read More

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great article! I agree that raising a child should be done with a touch more humor, humility, and education than most submit. I should know, my girlfriend's parents think I'm the Anti-christ because I won't agree to stop having sex with their 20 year old daughter out of wedlock. Despite all my best efforts to be upfront and show commitment. Can't wait to go on the adventure that is parenthood.

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