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biopic_john.jpgLet me guess... you have just gotten out of a long relationship, or it has been too long since you've been in one.  You are in school, or you have two jobs, or you like your space, or you want to spend a majority of your time reading science journals and not talking about your feelings.  Fine.  But you like sex.  More than like, you've found you need it.  If this need for sex were an itchy infection, Masturbation either feels like scratching (but not curing) it, or like simply spreading it around (and making it much worse).  You are in a pickle.

Is this starting to sound familiar?
If so, then I bet this will too:  There's this person who is a friend or an ex or someone you met online.  You flirt more than you talk.  If one of you were to get married, it would be awkward to meet their spouse.  You don't want to date, but there is sexual tension, and there is sexual availability.

We see where this is going, right?  You're going to have sex with this person.  You're going to tell your friends, and your friends are going to tell you that fuck buddies are amazing.  You'll tell them it's just a physical thing, that you're not interested in this person in a romantic way at all, but that the sex is amazing.  They will nod their heads like, "see, we told you."  You will be lying to yourself and them on both counts.

There will be more sex and more frequent sex.  You will start to, in part, hate the other person, the situation, and yourself.  You will talk yourself into thinking everything is ok.  Two weeks later, spectacularly or with one dying whimper, the relationship will end.  You will tell your friends that the other person fucked things up, and they will console you and say that fuck buddies never work out.
Don't make that mistake.  Don't blame the institution of the Fuck Buddy.  There are good reasons why fuck buddies never work, and they are all your fault.  Seriously.  But why?
Your Fuck Buddy relationships keep blowing up in your face because...
You are an inconstant, unpredictable, hormonal animal driven by evolutionary hard-wiring not adapted for anything other than making little people and killing furry things.
In other words?  You're a fucking mess.  But you know what?  So is every other person.  The fact that we can all exist around each other with some civility speaks more to how nice our soft parts feel than our general agreeableness.  We are neither stereotypes nor archetypes.  We are not machines or plants.  On one hand, we don't really need anyone else around for our personal survival, except that we really really do.  There are a good many things that could be different about you that would help you keep your shit together.  There's nothing to be done, but it's worth noting.

You are not an honest person.
You may not be lying intentionally, or in any other aspect of your life, but when love, lust, and relationships are involved, you react not as you feel, but instead follow a script that no one has to write down, because everyone knows how it goes.  You tell people what they want to hear, or what you think will get you what you want.  This would almost work if you didn't also lie to yourself about what you wanted or how you felt.

Sex means something to you.
And not just sex, but touching of all kinds effect you in any millions of different ways. Repeated physical contact with another sloppy animal does something in your brain with regards to that animal.  You can pretend it doesn't, but then you're lying to yourself.  Again.

You don't think.
You've spent much of your life, childhood and adult, creating defined roles somewhere in the recesses of your brain for the people you meet.  These constructed set of rituals, expectations, and traditions shape who is a family member, who is a close friend, who is a coworker or a neighbor, who is loved or hated.  You create and adapt and deepen these roles every day so that the people in your life fit neater and neater inside of them.  You keep trying to drop your fuck buddy into a brand new role without doing the work of digging him or her a spot first.  Have you ever felt a brain?  They are slippery.  With no place for the peg to go, the peg either slides away or you spend a few hard weeks trying to pound that peg into a different slot.  Put another way, you know that person at your place of work that has no specific job description?  They have to do a little bit of everything, even things they are in no way qualified to do, right?  Then they quit, because their job sucks.  That's your fuck buddy.

Because you are an emotional disaster waiting to happen.
The only question is, what sort of disaster do you want to be?  Fault lines that grind for millenia unnoticed, only to finally slip and swallow whole cities?  Wildfires that burn, like clockwork, every year at the exact same time?  A Hurricane that can be spotted coming, prepared for, and whom only idiots stand in the way of?

Look, you change, because that's what people do.  Be ready and open for it. Be ready to adapt for it.  The way you feel about your fuck buddy is going to change, or not. The way they feel about you is going to change, or not.  This is not people being crazy, this is people being people.

Seriously, you're a liar.
And you're so good at it, you don't even realize it.  Even now, you are reading this and saying to yourself, "this isn't me," when you know full well that it is.  You lie by  misdirection and misrepresentation.  You lie by telling non-truths half the time and half-truths the rest of the time.  You lie all the time, but the lies that are really fucking up your relationships are your lies of omission.  There's a good chance you used the term "fuck buddy" with your regular friends before you used it with the friend being benefited.  There is every chance that you refrained from having fully honest conversations about what you wanted, what you didn't, and what you expected from your fuck buddy before (or after, or while) you fucked.  Undoubtedly, you hoped a casual sexual relationship could go well without at least some of the work and negotiation you would put into a more involved relationship. You're not that stupid, so stop acting like it.

You didn't want a fuck buddy.
It's not that you couldn't have healthy, good, casual relationships, it's that you don't want to. You were settling for a fuck buddy from the beginning because you weren't ready for something else, because you couldn't find something else, or because you felt like trying something new.  Don't go blaming the idea of a Fuck Buddy on things going south. Sure, you're not the only one fucking it up, but plenty of people have been doing it well for years.  It's all your fault.

Write the Author: John Stark

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I am in a 15 year long sexually declining marriage and want so bad to get into Fuck buddy relationship or Casual encounters for those of you with a more sophisticated pallet ;), but I'm chicken sh!t. Maybe one day, once my balls get into position.

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Kidder Kaper

Kidder has been theorizing and writing about human sexuality since 1993, when he began work on his primary goal: "Teaching the world to be unafraid to enjoy sex."


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