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introducing-toys.jpgThe very title of this article made me laugh as I wrote it. When I say, "Introducing Sex Toys to your Relationship," I really mean, introducing them to your partner. After all, if you are cool with the toys already, it isn't you that needs the introduction. I cannot help but conjure pictures of my readers and listeners having an uncomfortable lunch with their favorite silicon dildo and their new boyfriend.

Now, I've been at this sex educator gig for a while now and of course I completely believe that everyone, regardless of relationship status, deserves a relationship with their own genitals and whichever toys they wish to keep hidden in their closets. I do not understand or have much sympathy for partners who get jealous of their girlfriend's handheld back massagers or wigged out by their husband's weekly shower with his stainless steel prostate massager. So I often can't help but come off as a jaded old sex educator when I say, "If your partner doesn't like you to use sex toys alone or unwilling to use them with you, hand them your largest butt plug and tell them TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES!"

But I digress as a little angel that smells a bit like Laura Rad appears on my shoulder. In an effort to be a better person and to see less of Laura's patented "disappointment face," I will reach into my big bag of sexual negotiation tricks and see if I can't find a nugget of good advice that you can use to bring these wonderful gadgets into your bedroom with as little turmoil as possible.

First things first. You've got to figure out if your partner does indeed have a negative attitude when it comes to using toys. The best way to do so is to just ask. I know this sounds difficult but I assure you it isn't. Just practice this line, "Would you like to try using some sex toys together?" Or, "Would you like to watch me masturbate with a vibrator?" Or perhaps, "Do you have any desire to strap on a dildo and fuck me in the ass after dinner?" See now, wasn't that easy? Well maybe it isn't as easy as it sounds, or maybe you did ask and your partner told you they weren't game.

Why do some people have an issue with sex toys?

A lot of people have trouble with the idea of sex toys because they find them threatening or unnatural. There are also a lot of people who are just stupid... [OUCH!!! Laura's shoulder angle just flicked my ear] Did I say, "Stupid?" I meant to say ignorant of the value and limitations of sex toys. While sex toys are valuable tools that can give you and your lover fabulous ways to please each other, they aren't capable of cuddling or telling you "it will be okay" when you've had a bad day. If your Diving Dolphin is verbally consoling you, stop reading this article and call a freaking mental health professional. For those of you still with me, read on grasshopper cause now I'm gonna help you out.

What to do when your partner is not comfortable with sex toys?

For the girls who do boys:
There are several options for getting your partner to use sex toys with you. My favorite method requires you to be a little sneaky but it is extremely successful because it makes your partner believe that it was all his idea. Get your hands on a decent handheld back massager. When I say get your hands on one, I mean be crafty. Get one of your girlfriends to give you one as a gift or buy one and tell your partner you got it because you thought it would help you massage his sore back. Remember it is JUST a back massager and you can get one at Target, Wallgreens, or Wall Mart. After you have your vibrator, offer to give your partner a massage.

Stay fully clothed so that the whole event begins as a less than sexual situation. Start on his neck and back and slowly work your way down to his ass. Giggle a bit and be playful as you tickle your partner with it. Flip him over and do his chest and abdomen and tell them you wanna "try something" in a playful manner. Place it on their crotchety area and see if he likes it.

Then hand him the vibrator and ask him to give you a massage because you want to see how it feels. When he gets it down to your crotchety area, give him a nice big response. Writhe around and show him how much he's turning you on. Reach up and kiss your partner. Tell them things like, "YOU are making me feel so good!" or "YOU are really amazing with that thing!" or "I can't believe how hard YOU are making me cum!" Be sure that after your amazing massage you give your partner gets a rewarding payback so that he'll be more than happy to do it again. If you make him feel empowered, HE will be the one bringing out the vibrator next time.

For the boys who do girls:
Maybe you want to use a dildo on her,  watch her use one, or flip you over and plant it to the hilt in a scene that rivals prison porn. Or perhaps you are interested in seeing if a cock ring makes you a little bigger or a little harder during intercourse. Whatever you want to try, you've gotta talk to her and explain not only what you want to try but why you want to try it. Her reservations may stem from a fear of exhibitionism in the case of you wanting to watch her use a dildo. Perhaps you should both become comfortable mutually self-pleasuring together before introducing toys to help her get more comfortable with the idea of giving you a show.

In the case of cock-rings and other wearable, I suggest making it part of a fun costume. People are much more likely to have fewer reservations when sex toys are introduced in an entertaining fashion. Perhaps after seeing you get hard with the ring on, her curiosity will get the best of her. If you can get it into the foreplay, you've made it halfway there. That said, if she's not willing to let you have sex with her with your big angry penis, respect her wishes and take it off. Maybe she'll change her mind next time after she's had some time to think about how your cock-ring enhanced cock looked and felt in her hands.

When it comes to using a toy in your butt, she may have a lot of preconceived notions that you'll have to deal with together. Maybe she thinks butts are dirty. This one is tough because, frankly, butts ARE dirty in terms microorganisms. So take a shower, get clean, and give her some exam gloves. It is possible to play with an ass and not get dirty. She may also think that your desire to experience anal penetration means that you are inches away from sporting a feather boa and bending over for a guy named Bruce. The best advice I have for you is to explain to her that anal stimulation feels good for both men and women regardless of their orientation. You can also tell her, honestly, that men who get pegged gain a better understanding of what it is like to be penetrated. Truth be told, this will make you a better lover.

For the girls who do girls:
While many women love being on both the giving and receiving end of a dildo, some may feel threatened when a partner asks them to strap one on. Some women believe that a dildo represents a male penis and therefore being asked to use a strap-on is no different than a partner telling her that what she really wants IS a man. Try to explain to your partner that you enjoy the feeling of being filled but that you want her hands to be free to touch the rest of you. The dildo is merely a tool and it is her tool. It may look like a cock but it is your lover's cock when she wears it. You might want to try talking her into using a thigh harness if she thinks a crotch harness is too intimidating. There are lots of dildos that look nothing like a real cock. Perhaps a shopping trip together will help ease her worries about your desire for a synthetic beaver packing system.

For the boys who do boys:
Even though I've not met even one gay man who isn't open to the idea of using sex toys, I'll have to assume that there are at least two of you out there. I suggest that you find each other and spend the rest of your days happily not using sex toys. [OUCH!!!   -a little devil in the image of Gay Rick pokes me in the neck with his pitchfork] Fine! If you want to talk your partner into using sex toys with you, make it worth their while. Negotiate with them. If you talk to your partner enough, I'm sure you'll find something that they want from you that you can trade for something that you want from them. If he has worries that you want a bigger dildo than comes as standard gear on your boyfriend, then do your best to reassure him. If he thinks that your desire to masturbate with a sleeve or watch him do a Fleshlight is just a subtle attempt to open your relationship, let him know that toys are just fantasy items and that they don't really represent anyone. Also, tell him that if you wanted to have an open relationship, you'd be talking to him about that instead of talking about toys.

Final bits of advice

Explain to your partners that you want your sexual relationship to stay fun and exciting. Most of their worries about toys stem from their own insecurities of being replaced. Ensure your partners that you care for them and that no toy could ever replace them. Do your best to help your partners understand that sex toys are merely tools that can help you both have more fun with each other. A vibrator can allow your partner to stimulate your clitoris while kissing you. A dildo can allow couples to play with all sorts of fantasies. A cock-ring is like penis jewelry. If all else fails, consider reading them "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr. Seuss.

Write the Author: Kidder Kaper

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Kidder Kaper

Kidder has been theorizing and writing about human sexuality since 1993, when he began work on his primary goal: "Teaching the world to be unafraid to enjoy sex."


Laura Rad

Laura Rad has been educating herself and others about sexuality for over seven years. You can find Laura every week chatting with the crew of the Sex is Fun Podcast.


Gay Rick

Gay Rick is an HIV Educator and Co-Host on the Sex is Fun podcast. He is also a certified Hepatitis C Educator.



The in-house audio engineer.


John Stark

John writes a blog titled We Sleep Together. He is in his twenties, and has been in an open relationship for six and some years.



The Walrus is an avid SIF listener, married, and recently became a proud father. He spends his days working in IT, but has always been interested in pushing the boundaries of traditional and conservative thoughts sexually.


Cooper Beckett

Cooper Beckett's life isn't like other people's. When he's not writing or podcasting at Life on the Swingset, he's living it up with his wife Marilyn as evangelical swingers, spreading the good word that "sharing is caring."


Beth Swings

Beth is an English rose, happily married and happily swinging in the UK and abroad. She has a full-time vanilla career which she loves. Beth counts sex and naturism among her many extra-curricular passions in life.


Mari Rose

Mari Rose and her family live in Colorado, love life and do their best to maintain balance and sanity and in this crazy, sexy, beautiful world.



Lorax runs everything behind the scenes at Sex is Fun. If she's not maintaining the website, gathering articles, or directing art you can find her wakeboarding or snowboarding with her husband.