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pfunplug_side.jpgThere you are with your hands on the bland manilla packaging that contains your new prostate toy. You ordered it because the reviews made it sound so good, promising you longer and more powerful orgasms. You finally broke down and decided to try it for yourself. So you parted with the $30-$70 and ordered it seven business days earlier and fell asleep each night thereafter fantasizing about the amazing pleasure this toy was going to bring into your life. The last time you remember feeling this excited was was just before you got your first BB gun.

You tear open the package sent from "Something-Something Research Group" and you get naked. You squirt some of the complimentary lube shipped with the device and you start shoving it up your ass. You suddenly feel a little pain, not unlike when you push a little to hard in an attempt to impress your yoga instructor. For those paying attention, this is your sphincter being stretched a bit too much before it is ready. You remember the other customer testimonials and you decide to keep going because you are sure that once you get past this, you're in for a major treat.

You push in a little deeper and suddenly your body sucks it from your hands. You quickly feel the base to make sure it is seated correctly like it appears in the one page instruction guide. You begin squeezing and releasing your pelvic floor muscles as it describes in the middle paragraph of the directions. You aren't going to touch your penis at all because the instructions strictly forbid it. As you squeeze and release, you continually feel your body survey the toy now buried in your ass. Your nerve endings are trying to figure out if this new object is a good thing or an unwelcome guest. You are trying to figure out the same thing as you adjust your position a little and trying to mimic the human outline drawn on the direction card.

You feel a little itchy inside and you are beginning to wonder if and when this ultimate pleasure you'd read about was going to make itself known. The perineum stimulator that was completely exclusive to the brand you happened to purchase is now beginning to dig into your taint like a plastic picnic knife and it kinda feels like you need to poop. You wonder if perhaps breaking the rules a little and masturbating will help you start the the motor running so you reach down. Not only do you not find a healthy erection waiting for you, you cannot help but notice that your penis has shrunk down to a size so small that you barely recognize it as your own.

The itchy feeling has turned into something that can only be described as down right uncomfortable. You reach back and hook your finger into the base of the toy and begin to pull it out of you. As you pull your expression begins to contort into a face that only Popeye's mother could love. You do your best to extract it from your ass without disturbing your innards anymore than necessary but your own ass is fighting against you, clenching down on it with all its might. The harder you pull the worse it becomes. Finally with a plop you are free of it but your ass doesn't thank you for your efforts, instead it tells your discomfort receptors in your brain that it is no longer your friend.

You look at the little greasy toy hanging from your finger and you feel like a complete failure. You failed at using a prostate massager. You got suckered into buying something off the internet that they promised would bring you ultimate sexual pleasure, and it didn't work. You contemplate chucking the toy and packaging in the garbage and doing your best to forget the whole experience over an episode of Entourage.

Well don't worry mate, cause I'm gonna help you enjoy this toy if it kills us both.

First, I want you to take the instructions that came with your particular brand of prostate toy and destroy it. I've never found these guides to be of any help at all. I swear the included instructions were written by John Harvey Kellogg and before you start googling the name, let me just tell you that the inventor of Cornflakes was no friend to your orgasms. While you are throwing the remaining scraps of the instructions in the garbage, you might just want to get rid of the lube that came along with it as well. This stuff is rarely decent for ass play, vaginal play, or even any kind of play really. Get yourself a thicker water based lube. I strongly suggest Slippery Stuff Gel because it coats and cushions better than anything else I've ever tried.

Now I want you to get aroused and relaxed. If this sounds like a paradox, you aren't relaxed enough. Fantasize, read some erotica, watch some porn, or look at the dirty pictures of your partner that you keep in your "secret photo album." Do whatever you normally do when looking for some inspiration for your self-pleasuring sessions. Then to get relaxed, I strongly suggest taking a nice long shower or warm bath. While you are getting clean, I want your mind to stay dirty. I want you to keep rolling all those fantasies around in your mind and keep reminding yourself that you are about to hijack the very control center of your orgasm and manipulate it to maximize your pleasure to heights yet unexperienced.

Feel free and touch yourself...

Do whatever you wish to yourself that feels good, just don't let yourself cum yet. Soap up your cock, balls, taint and use soapy fingers or a wash cloth on your ass. If you've got a massaging shower head, try it out. If you can make the outside of your anus feel good from being stimulated, you are halfway there. When you are feeling good and aroused wash the soap off and get out your lube. If you are in a tub you may need to stand. If you are in the shower, just move so that the lube doesn't wash off immediately. Squirt a generous amount of the lube into your hand and rub it over the surface of your anus. Worry not about penetration at this point.

Keep reapplying lube to your hand and applying it to your anus. Push against the opening of your anus with the flat of your fingers so that it is almost as if you are pushing the lube inside. If you feel ready, try inserting a finger. If it goes in easily you are doing great, if not, keep rubbing the outside with more lube than you ever thought necessary. Masturbate with your other hand to keep you aroused as you do this.

When you can slide one finger in without much resistance take a look at your toy. Ask yourself, "Am I ready for this? Do I want it yet?" If you can honestly answer yes then lube it up and get ready for penetration. It is much easier to penetrate an anus that is spread. The best positions for penetration are squatting with feet about one foot apart, or bending over with feet about one to one and a half feet apart. You are not a woman and you don't have a vagina, so try no to think of your ass in the same way. Vaginas are easier to penetrate with the woman's legs spread wide. Anuses are actually tighter with the legs are spread. Experiment with this, figure out which positions work best for you.

As you begin your penetration, start by just rubbing the tip of the toy against your anus. Slide it around while pushing it toward you. If you sense any discomfort or resistance, pull it back, reapply lube and try again. To help open your anus even more, you can try pushing as if constipated as you try your entry. Once you get the tip in comfortably you can now attempt to swallow the body which is usually the largest portion of the toy. For the body I have two strategies. Strategy 1 is to masturbate like crazy and slowly push it it to make it as enjoyable as possible. Strategy 2 is to just push it in until you reach the flared base. Once you are experienced, Strategy 2 is the way to go. It is fast and easy and you realize that you only have to face the width of the body for just a second before you make it to the significantly smaller base.

However you choose to make it to the base, you'll know when you get there. The pressure goes away and suddenly the toy is so snug into you that it feels like a ghost hand is pushing it into you. This feeling is your body's own involuntary muscles squeezing on to the toy. At this time you may wish to adjust the toy a little and get the taint stimulator where it feels best. If your anus feels a little strange, get some lube in your hand and rub it around your anus as you push it out. Usually this feeling is not a problem as long as everything is lubricated.

You may notice that the act of putting the toy in as dropped your arousal and maybe your erection is gone. Maybe your ass feels kind of uncomfortable. Just ignore it unless the discomfort turns to pain. Wash your hair, or shave. Do something that takes a few minutes and also takes your mind off of the intruder in your ass for the time being. In a few moments you may realize that you hardly even notice it in there. Try squeezing your sphincter or wiggling your ass a little. If you like that try putting your legs together and thrusting your hips slightly forward. If you notice a little twinge of itchy pleasure, you're ready to start playing.

Get your cock back into the game. If your erection hasn't yet returned, just try playing with your testicles a bit while you squeeze, wiggle, and hip thrust yourself into a happy spot. Eventually your cock will become big enough to some decent masturbation. Try changing your position, stance, and speed. What Forrest Gump said about chocolates could easily be said about prostate massage. No matter how many times you do this, you still never know quite what you're gonna get.

My favorite toys and techniques:

prostate_hands_knees_big.jpgOn Your Hands and Knees
Get on your hands and knee for a major thrill ride. It is pretty comfortable to rock back and forth on your massager if you've got decent knees and it is moderately easy to go one handed for masturbation. A lot of straight men don't like this one because it makes them feel like they are receptive and ready for some doggy-style gay sex. A lot of straight men have a lot of ridiculous hang-ups. I assure you there is nothing gay about doing this unless your prostate toy is a cock attached to a man without tits.

Recommended toys for on your hands and knees:
Aneros Series: MGX, SGX, Helix, Maximus, and Eupho
Nexus Series: Vibro and Titus

prostate_on_back_big.jpgOn Your Back
Lying down on your back is definitely the most relaxing position. It also gives easy access for masturbation. Try just lifting your ass off the floor a few inches. Or keeping your legs straight and simply squeezing your ass cheeks together. Because the internal massage in this position is reduced, I prefer to use toys with more steep forward bends.

Recommended toys for on your back:
Nexus Series: Glide and Gryo

prostate_on_front_big.jpgOn Your Front
This is far from my favorite position but one that I use out of necessity when I'm reviewing lager butt plugs. Because butt plugs don't have the forward bend that my prostate finds so delicious, I'm often forced to try to stimulate my prostate from the front door. Yes. you can stimulate your prostate through your perineum. This isn't to say that butt plugs don't have their place. They are great for anal stimulation and giving an overwhelming feeling of fullness that a even the largest prostate massager has difficulty doing as well. This method makes it very difficult to masturbate and has been blamed for causing sexual dysfunction associated with TMS (Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome). Still if a plug is all you have, you can give it whirl and go prone, though I still prefer plugs for other reasons than prostate massage.

Recommended toys for on your back:
Njoy Pure Plugs

prostate_standing_big.jpgStanding
Most of the time when I'm using a prostate toy, I'm standing, which may have something to do with the fact that I often do this in the shower. Try gyrating your hips or just shifting your weight from your left to right leg and back again. The most intense sensations often come from bending forward while sticking your ass out a bit and then thrusting your hips forward. This position makes it really easy to masturbate and leads often to very quick orgasms, probably because men are often already comfortable masturbating while standing up, again, probably due to normal shower rituals, that or all those circle jerks back in high school.

Recommended toys for standing:
Aneros Progasm and Nexus Excel

prostate_stool_big.jpgSitting
Sitting is the most intense of the methods for prostate massage. Because all of your weight is placed on the base of the toy you'll have to choose a toy with a base that fits well when pressed tightly against you. When you sit on the toy you may need to support some of your weight with your arms so that the pressure isn't too intense at first. After you get comfortable you can rock your way to a powerful orgasm. You may be tempted to even try bouncing on the toy but because the toy is not designed for thrusting, this may result in some interesting results. Once you find your rhythm and ideal pressure, you can easily masturbate and have an intense orgasm.

Recommended toys for sitting:
Fun Factory's Bootie, Rude-Boy, and Pandora's Prostate Vibe.

I got turned on, reached orgasm, and ejaculated a mother-load of cum, now what?

Once that toy becomes friends with your ass, it is amazing how good it feels and how much it adds to your orgasm. The pleasure comes on slow, like warmth spreading through your body and then crescendos in what many men describe as "full body orgasms." No matter how great that orgasm is, many men suddenly feel as though their prostate toy that just seconds ago was making them feel so great, now feels like a sliver in their eye after the orgasm. Fight the urge to pull it out of your ass like you are trying to start an old lawn mower. Instead, take your time and distract yourself by cleaning up after finishing your shower. Chances are that if you give yourself a little time to relax after your orgasm, you'll get comfortable with it again. This will help you remove it without much discomfort at all. You might even get aroused again in the meantime and get to experience what this whole multiple-male orgasm thing is all about.

Which prostate toy is the best for me?
 

This is like answering a question of which car company is best (Honda) or which computer is best (Apple). There is no right answer. I've got them all but to be fair I get them all for free. I've already listed some of my favorites and all have their pros and cons and proper uses. I choose the toy that is currently fitting my mood when I use it. I simply cannot choose only one and say that this is the most versatile and awesome toy you can buy (Njoy PFun-Plug)


Write the Author: Kidder Kaper

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