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vulvaphobia_big.jpgEvery time I'm out with a friend who is gay, he seems to refer to the vulva as a bad thing; a really, bad thing; a scary, unknown, horrible monster that is going to eat you when you go to sleep thing. In all honesty, I used to be a counselor of that camp. The idea of labia flapping in the breeze and trying to vacuum my dick in to a lady's nether regions terrified me. Birds could be creating nests in there. It could queef at you in defiance. There is a movie with the premise of a young girl who gets raped and, in an act of revenge, her vagina grows teeth to bite off any penises attached to men whom anger her. Teeth! AH!

But none of that is true. So where does this unfounded homo fear of the vulva come from? And why must gay men demonize it so?

Vulva vs Vagina

Let's start by correcting a very common misconception. The vulva is everything you look at when a lady is naked and you're staring at the junk between her legs. Now, it's not really junk. In fact, the vulva consists of the mons-pubis, the clitoris, the vaginal opening, and a number of other parts. The vagina is the part where straight, bi, and trans men like to put their penises. It's also where the G-spot hides to torment orgasm-less housewives of clueless, selfish men.

The vulva is not the vagina. Get it? I used to think it was only gay men who were uncertain of this factoid. However, after admitting my own vulvidiocy I discovered that there were women who didn't know the difference. Enlighten your friends. Spread the vulva/vagina message. Gay men love to know more about sex than their lady friends. So dump that tidbit of knowledge on them. Warning: The lady may actually know this and will roll her eyes and laugh at you. This will also solidify her thoughts of your homosexuality.

Penis + Scrotum + Anus = Vulva?

I'm more than certain that gay men know what a clitoris is. They may even call it a clit because they read some straight erotica to have a laugh with their gaggle of gays. However, the clitoris is home to a heck of a lot of nerves - a lot more than we have in our dicks, as a matter of fact. Imagine how dry humping feels. Now, multiply that by a google and you can now begin to understand how the clitoris makes for a good time. The common misconception among ignorant folks is that the vagina is where the action is at. In reality, the clitoris is the circuit party of the vulva. This is where the majority of a woman's pleasure comes from. Not the vagina. The vagina is the afterparty. Now stop shuddering in disgust! Pleasure is pleasure, no matter who is receiving it.

The lips, which can seem frightening, are actually made of the same tissue that your balls are made of. So they aren't necessarily meat curtains after all. Have you ever licked a guys balls while he's jacking off? If you haven't, you're denying him a big and satisfying orgasm. It isn't too hard to imagine why a gal might want those nibbled, licked, or tugged on, huh?

Now, they are completely different and as a sex educator I'm hesitant to make the comparison, but the vagina is somewhat like our anuses; it's the part that gets stuff stuck in it. They have the G-spot, we have the prostate. They both have a lot of nerves that can create a lot of pleasure. It's a soft, wet, tight hole and penises like to go in them. Vaginas like having penises inside of them just like some butts like having penises inside of them. But, just like we have horrible lays, so do the ladies. Guys don't have the advantage of understanding what's happening down there unless they've had a lot of good sex education. At least as homos, we get to experience the equipment firsthand.

Making sure your gal pal is reaching orgasm should be a big priority in your life. No one is more likely to cock-block during a night on the town than someone who doesn't understand what it feels like to cum. So make sure you both know about her parts. She'll thank you and may even let you see it if you have the curiosity and can muster the bravery to take a look. It won't bite. I promise.

Baking Bread

"Gay Rick, I feel I should be able to make fun of the vulva all I want. I mean, they get yeast infections down there. It's an ugly cavern."

Hilariously enough, she probably got that yeast infection from a man. Men get yeast infections. They just might not know they have one. It's a shame that yeast infection creams only market towards women. They'd be shedding light on a problem that has been plaguing men for as long as it has bothered women.

And let me tell you, I've seen a few dicks that were beaten with an ugly stick. Aesthetics are subjective and just because a vulva is a vulva, it can be a heck of a lot prettier than some dicks out there.

Bea Arthur, Britney Spears, and Your BFF

A big part of demonetization is fear. Fear of the unknown can paralyze us. It can make us discriminate and unknowingly make us do hateful things. But vulvas are everywhere. Your mom has one. Your grandma has one. Kelly Ripa has one. Next time you make a crack at a vulva's expense, remember you did not come out of a test tube. Unless you did, but you still shouldn't make fun of vulvas. They can be truly beautiful and when you start to accept and learn what a vulva does, you're probably going to find yourself a lot less scared of them. Who knows - you may even high-five your lady friend when she tells you her vulva was so worked up, it ejaculated.



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