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AH_pussy2.jpgEvery few weeks we get a large box from Topco, a enormous sex toy manufacturer that began way back in the very year of my birth. We never really know what Topco is going to send. They occasionally ask us what kind of products we want to test but rarely do our requests ever result in anything resembling what we told them to send. This week we got a larger than usual and significantly heavier box from the offices of Topco.

I slid the box on the carpet out to the middle of the office for our traditional, "guess what's in the dirty box game." With knife in hand we all tossed out our top theories as to what naughty objects may be hiding behind the corrugated cardboard. Today's prize went to Josh, the man who illustrates our graphics here at SexisFun.net who said with a degree of self assurance, "It's a fake vagina." I stopped cutting the tape and said, "No fake vagina is this heavy." But Josh just put his hand in the air, looked away and repeated, "Fake vagina!"

I cut through the packing tape and folded back the lids while the others drum rolled their hands on their knees. Low and behold it wasn't one fake vagina but 3 fake vaginas! From Cyberskin laboratories of Topco we received Audrey Hollander's Cyberskin Pile Driver Pussy and Ass, #2, and #3. Josh put his hands in the air for a victory hoot, turned and walked away.

I brought home Audrey Hollander's Cyberskin Pile Driver Pussy and Ass because it was so huge that nobody else wanted to be responsible for storing, testing and later disposing of such a behemoth sex toy. Calling this thing large is a bit of an understatement. It is a life-size mold of Audrey's ass and while she seems to be in great shape, the toy makes a Fleshlight look like a pea next to a pumpkin.

This is far from the first artificial vagina I've tested. Toy companies love sending me their sleeves and strokers and it seems that each of them share one similar drawback. They are all too tight. Only the Fleshlight had the girth to handle my cock without feeling like a tourniquet. I'm not boasting, I'm just stating the fact. I've got a very average sized cock and all of the products are designed for men that either love an excruciatingly tight fit or have less girthy penises.

Unfortunately Audrey's vagina was no more forgiving on my cock than her predecessors. Because she's in an ass-straight-up-in-the-air position for the "pile driving" as promised on the package, it made me feel like I was gonna snap in half each time I applied my weight to her and pushed inside. Several times I tried to show Audrey a good time and after a few thrusts she'd reject my penis like an expired ATM card. I wasn't about to give up on Audrey yet. I lubed up my whole hand and I fisted her vagina with all my arm strength I could muster. Once inside I made a fist in an attempt to stretch the old girl out. For a few seconds I thought I might win in the battle of crazy ass tight vagina but in the end, she wasn't having it and she shot off my wrist, bounced off the floor and left a greasy spot on the sliding glass doors of our bedroom.

Still wiggling on the carpet like a freshly disturbed bowl of jello, she mocked me. I picked her up, having to regain my grip several times as she slid from my lubed fingers like an oiled pig. I threw her down on a towel on the floor and noticed that my hand felt like it had been in a vice. I knew there was no way I was ever going to try sticking my cock back in there. I sat next to her vagina, apologized to her, and gave her a light pat on her pert Cyberskin ass.

As the rippling from my spank begin to settle down I looked at her upturned anus and it looked back at me. It seemed to say, "we can try other stuff" and suddenly I felt as though my high school girlfriend just offered me a hand job as a condolence after denying me sex after our 8th date. I considered all the angles and suddenly it hit me. If I can't fuck her, maybe she can fuck me.

piledriver_big.jpgI flipped her over and shoved a lubed up Vixen Creations dildo through her so that the head came up through ass. The flared base of of the dildo kept it in place. I flipped her back over and slowly eased myself down on her so that the dildo coming out of her ass slid into mine. As I sunk down, her ass cradled my weight perfectly, slowly giving me additional inches of the cock. Once seated on her with all my weight, I rocked forward, I rocked back, and then I began to bounce. I had to hand it to Audrey, she knew what she was doing.

The soft and bouncy base that she provided was delightful and with each downward thrust she'd bounce me back up. The harder I came down the harder she'd raise me back up. Frankly, she was the most responsive lover I'd ever taken in my ass. It wasn't long before I was bouncing up and grinding against her like the slut she was wanted me to be. After I achieved climax, I lifted myself off of her and had a good laugh at the appearance of a cock coming out of her ass. I then cleaned her up and dried her off and found a top shelf location for her in our closet.

If you are looking for an artificial vagina to plow, keep looking, but if you are looking for the best bounce stage dildo base, I'd suggest Audrey Hollander's Cyberskin Pile Driver Pussy and Ass before just about anything else. For women who like to be on top and men who like to take it in the ass, Audrey knows what she's doing.


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Kidder Kaper

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Kidder has been theorizing and writing about human sexuality since 1993, when he began work on his primary goal: "Teaching the world to be unafraid to enjoy sex."


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Laura Rad has been educating herself and others about sexuality for over seven years. You can find Laura every week chatting with the crew of the Sex is Fun Podcast.


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